chris boring (doktor242) wrote,
chris boring
doktor242

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denial: realization


"there is an indentation from where she lay
 a tiny stature asleep, now she's far away
 only the thoughts of her remain
 despairing, desperate, full of self-blame"

     --Single Gun Theory 'From A Million Miles'




So that entry i wrote yesterday, i'm going to try again:

Something I realized about myself this weekend: I am essentially selfish when it comes to my friends. I want them all to myself, and am loathe to share my time with them with others. This is why I am happiest in situations where it is just myself and one or two other close friends. This is why I hold the people my friends are romantically attached to to impossibly high standards... because this stranger is infringing on my time with my friend. This is why I rarely have good time if someone drags me out to a club... I get jealous and pissy if others are talking to the people I care about.

I am not an only child, but my brothers were born when I was 16 and 21, so my personality was already set by the time they came on the scene. I have the mentality of the only child; it doesn't even occur to me that anyone else could be more interesting, or more important that I am. Add to that the damage and abandonment issues that come from having a parent die at such an early age, and you have a recipe for neurosis. I have to be the center of the universe for those I care about, or I'll act out and do crazy shit until I am in the spotlight again. The worse thing you can do to me is leave in the middle of a conversation, or ignore me when I'm trying to speak... it drives me up a wall.

I've never really realized this before because my closest friends' psychoses and life situations tended to balance out nicely with mine... kingmob23 would never withdraw from me due ti his own issues with abandonment, and I could never resent sharing him with Sara because she is also one of my best friends... it's only now that this comes out because of meatbtmanifesto... the situation is really complex there, i guess.

Ok, I gotta go eat lunch. more on this later. Anyone with psych training, feel free to chime in.
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