Porn is, in fact, icky bad gross blasphemous sacrilegious and totally comedogenic, and looks awful with the couch and never ever calls, and leaves the seat up, and never does the dishes, and Makes Mommy resentful and Timmy cry and Daddy spend 14 hours a day glued to assbuffet.com as he maxes out the family MasterCard on rubber-fetish DVDs and nipple clips. This much everyone knows.
Thank goodness for BushCo. I mean, whew. That is to say, thank goodness for BushCo's latest agitated cultural salvo, Protection from Pornography Week</a>, which occurred just last week, in case you missed it, coming hot on the heels of last month's gleefully homophobic and hateful Marriage Protection Week, which safeguarded the timorous beleaguered hetero American populace from the vile marauding hordes of, you know, gay people in love.
Did you plan accordingly? Did you protect yourself from pornography and hot porn DVDs and icky sticky stuff, and instead spend the week only thinkin' 'bout Jesus and soft furry innocent bunnies and numb routine missionary-position sex, all while blocking out all thoughts of raw funky gasping thumping moaning fleshy things that go oooh in the night? You did? Well, thank goodness.
After all, porn ruins families. And communities. And children. And puppies. And the upholstery. This is the government line. This is what they would like you to believe. This is why they invented Protection from Pornography Week. Because you need to know They Care. They are on guard. Because you, as always, are under attack.
Here is the message: Despite how porn is a multibillion-dollar, record-breaking, insanely popular, widely accepted, gigglingly discussed, generally harmless, often exceedingly sexy and fun and unstoppable force of skin and fake orgasm and cheesy background music and money shots and thrust thrust thrust, it doesn't really matter. It is pure evil, they say. And it's coming for your children.
Unless, you know, it's not. Unless porn remains merely that beloved slippery devil so reviled by every sanctimonious group in modern history, that final frontier of bogus moralism and excessive alarmism and puffed-chest indignation and oh my God who pray who will save the children.
Statistics are of little use over at the official government PPW site. They do not talk about anything so frivolous as details, such as the porn biz raking in upward of $12 billion per annum, which is more than ABC, NBC, CBS and Fox combined. Or that the combined subscriber base of Penthouse and Playboy exceeds that of Newsweek and Time. Or that more money is spent on porn than on, say, church. Or the NFL. Or Starbucks. Or socks.
They do not talk up the wild and ever-increasing popularity of this visual and male-oriented and stupidly pleasing and admittedly very one-dimensional, deliciously limited-but-fun form of entertainment. They do not talk about how it is generally enjoyed by hundreds of millions of people from all walks of life everywhere, priests and dentists and schoolteachers and lawyers and college kids, couples and virgins and teenagers and lesbians and motorcycle repairmen.
No, better to demonize it all. And better to zero in, naturally, on children, and illegal child porn. Which is, obviously, very bad indeed and all abusers of same should be strung up by their testicles and covered in hot chili oil and left in the hot Florida sun. But kiddie porn is also exceedingly, exceptionally minor, and uncommon, a tiny illegal fraction of the larger legal industry that abhors it.
No matter. Kiddie porn, much like terrorism and gays and "partial birth" abortion and paganism and gun control and anything else they can think of, is a wonderfully convenient hot button to promote the GOP's incredibly successful fear-based agenda. You know the one: Keep you numb with dread, convinced you are always at high risk of being utterly perverted or converted to homosexuality or of being mugged by swarthy terrorists or maybe communist hippies, and they can get away with anything. This is the GOP credo. And, sadly, it's working.
Look. Of course hardcore porn can be dangerous to young children. Or course it can be overly explicit and hollow and is absolutely not for kids or even certain priests. This is not an argument.
And of course the Net has helped put some truly nasty images in front of millions of children's eyeballs, and there is very little parents can do about it except deflect and restrict access and educate their kids as best they can, and hope for the best.
But maybe there are other strains, other mutations of "porn" to be wary of? Maybe there are other, far less regulated, more explicit pornographies we might want to consider, raw and darkly titillating forces hell-bent on soiling young minds and exploiting weakness and numbing the human spirit? Like, say, the pornography of McDonald's toxic foodstuffs. Or the Home Shopping Network. Or dead U.S. soldiers in Iraq. Or mutilated bodies and naked writhing guns and Rumsfeld's kinky black-eyed sneer.
Perhaps it's worth considering how children are eversoslightly more in danger of having their burgeoning worldviews singed by witnessing yet another Kraft Lunchables commercial or footage of another annihilated U.S. helicopter or Karl Rove sucking the blood out of a live kitten? Just a thought.
No no no. Porn -- the raw yummy sexual kind -- is just another evildoer, according to the government. Just another pillaging army of well-endowed hip-grinding badness determined to ruin your marriage and corrupt your children and turn them into coke-sniffing silicone-enhanced anal-sex sex freaks from L.A. who party way, way too much with Ashton Kutcher and Tommy Lee.
This is the GOP way. You do not need education. You do not need increased awareness or understanding of nuance or even more hot sex and more informed and balanced ways to talk to your kids about some of the gross moaning spurting stuff they might find on the Net, not to mention on Fox News and CNN. You do not need information and intuition and love.
You need, as always, protection. This is the right-wing plan. You need government safeguarding from the evildoers, from the Bad Things You Clearly Do Not Understand. Much like Marriage Protection Week or Saddam's nonexistent WMDs and Koran-inscribed nuclear warheads that are right now aimed directly at your child's backyard swing set, or much like crazy free-thinkin' liberals and those disgusting furriners and them damn wimmin always wantin' to control their own bodies, you need to be defended.
Be very afraid. This is what they love above all. Be fearful and excessively concerned and vote via your sense of numb dread and knee-jerk reactions and please, above all, do not use common sense, or reason, or spiritual openness, or sexual awareness, and do not question anything. There there now. The government is here. The big bad pornography will not harm you anymore. Click here for happy clowns who love Jesus. See? All better.